“I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest. Sometimes I’ve been closer to Him for that reason.”
We have all probably lost faith at some point in our lives, well at least for those of us who were or are believers. We have perhaps wondered if there is really a God out there who looks out for us. Heck, we have probably even doubted if there is even a God at all because I mean, if there is really a God as we have always believed then why do things seem to always go wrong more than they go right in our lives or the world around us?
Lately I have been feeling like God has abandoned me. Sure I haven’t always had all my prayers answered but thinking about all the prayers that had/have not been answered has been feeling a lot like a heavy sting of rejection from God. The painful thing is that during such moments you ask yourself rather heavy questions that tears can’t even hold back against. It even seems like the more hope you have, the more inclined you are to have it taken from you. You end up thinking to yourself: maybe it is better to not hope, to not have faith at all; because it seems like it is only then that you will be cocooned from the sharp stab of disappointment and disillusionment from unanswered prayers and unmet hopes and expectations.
To be disillusioned with God is one of the most shattering places that I have ever found myself in. To be disheartened towards the one person that you have always believed (and still know to be) is your only hope and anchor in any circumstance is deeply heart-wrenching. But I won’t lie, it is so tough to still believe God is for you when it constantly seems like you have to twist his arm to get things while others simply say one prayer and things change for them. You know that “God is good, all the time” but you find it difficult to believe those words when your own life seems like a long play of pain and brokenness and you ask yourself where the goodness of God is in all that desolation. You wonder to yourself if your miracle and breakthrough will ever come by. You come to a place where you start to wonder if God’s promises are really for you; everyone speaks of a promise land but you question if there is even one for you. In the same breath, it then proves to be an insuperable act to surrender to a God that you are not even sure you can trust.
I sometimes wish I could snap myself back to the old me who believed that everything under the sun was possible- only if you believe. When I was still a kid, despite all the unhappiness in my upbringing, I always saw myself as growing up to become the female version of Superman. I wanted to save and change the world; and flying to great heights and lengths while I’m at it. I had big dreams and a really great faith in God to make it all possible for me. But I have become a disappointed idealist and this place I’m in, if I am to be honest is torturous. I feel like a lifeless soul just simply floating in the air without any destination to look forward to.
“…I do believe that it is from here that I will eventually answer the call of God and my own soul to come into the depths and mysteries of the unseen world. And perhaps losing hope sometimes is part of the great adventure with our journey with God…”
Whenever those close to me try to bring me back to who I was and reminding me of that which I used to believe in, I become somewhat annoyed but not because they sound preachy but because it all serves as a reminder of the person I have driven far from and know not how to get back to. The truth of the matter is: there is nothing more I want than to be brought back to life. I want to dream again, I want to pray big prayers, I want to allow God to use me as a vessel to impact and influence those around me in a way that I never imagined was ever possible. But I am terrified, what if it all goes wrong and in the next two decades I find myself lying helplessly on the floor of yet more unfulfilled desires and prayers? But maybe what scares me is not the possibility of having faith in God and not having it met. What makes me tremble is having great faith and becoming insatiably overwhelmed and mind-blown by all that faith enables to come to pass.
But with each day that passes, God still whispers to me in the stillness of my heart. God still dearly calls out to me; and even though right now all that I can pray are simple prayers of gratitude for just life itself, I do believe that it is from here that I will eventually answer the call of God and my own soul to come into the depths and mysteries of the unseen world. And perhaps losing hope sometimes is part of the great adventure with our journey with God; for maybe in losing our faith we get to find a newer, refined and greater faith than we ever had before.
And the beauty of it all is that… God is truly the embodiment of love itself because even when we have lost our faith in God, God never loses faith in us. The more faith we lose in Him, the more relentless God becomes in the pursuit of winning our hearts back to Him. I think I am now getting a glimmer of understanding of what scripture means when it says:
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love…neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow…”
-Romans 8:38 [NLT]
So maybe the most important thing was never about how much faith we have or do not have; but that regardless of where we may be, God always remains and will always meet us where we are. And where we may lose our faith, God takes a hold of us and embraces us and perharps in God’s arms and at the realization of His love for each one of us that is where we will find everything that we have ever lost.