“There is no greater joy than the one of waking up one day and realising that the wound that caused sleepless nights does not burn anymore.”—Katlego Llale
“It’s scary to think how you were all the wrong things for me yet you felt like home…” —Upile Chisala
“Why do you keep coming back even though you know we can never be together?” I asked intently, determined to get to the bottom of the confusion.
“Being with you, talking to you…it gives me so much peace…the kind of peace and freedom I get when I’m driving 240km/h on the road… You’ve given me something that I’ve never experienced with anyone else,” he answered, as though he too not quite understanding the effect that I have on him.
I dug further, as if searching for a painful truth, while also trying to figure out why he would choose the toxicity of his current relationship instead of the peace that exists between us. “Can’t you create that peace and freedom with your girlfriend? Maybe then letting go of me, of us would be easier and staying where your loyalties lie would not be so difficult…because the reality is that she’s the one you keep choosing, every day she’s the woman that you wake up and choose to love…not me. So why am I still here? What am I hoping for and trusting in?”
“Katlego, it’s not so simple. I never believed it is possible to fall in love with two women. I’ve never been here before. And everything I’ve told you about how I feel is true. I was never selling you dreams like you always say. But what I have with you, I don’t think I want it with my girlfriend…” he anxiously explained. Read More
“When a child is learning how to walk and falls down 50 times, they never think to themselves, “Maybe this isn’t for me.”” —Unknown
“If we are to defeat certain poisons that threaten our joy, we must acknowledge them first.” —Upile Chisala
I am not doing okay. I haven’t been okay for a while now. I have been trying to hold myself together, but I can’t anymore. And maybe I shouldn’t try to.
There. It’s out in the air. Perhaps I can breathe a little bit easier now that I have just admitted it to myself and the several people who would care to read my thoughts.
Just a week ago, someone I look up to as a mentor (she doesn’t know this, but she genuinely feels like the more wiser and mature version or rather a reflection of me) said to me, “I noticed that you haven’t written on your blog for a while.”
I shook my head, with a somewhat somber face. “I honestly can’t get myself to. It’s too hard.”
“Just try to, even if you just write to yourself and the world never gets to see it. Or you get home and just write one sentence. That’s still enough.”
And I understand where she was coming from, she understood and knew what writing is and means to me. She knows that writing is the most sacred and honest place where I can unburden, heal and simply listen to the soul of my heart. Read More
look yourself in the eye when you feel most hurt
when you feel less likely to love again
when you are barely able to stand up straight because the pain runs deeper than you are willing to go—
and love yourself entirely anyway.
—alex elle, resillient
I was lying supine on my bed, face looking up the ceiling. Suddenly, imminent tears burned behind my eyes, and shortly after that, the tears rolled down the side of my eyes. At that moment, I felt my heart break. As if no longer strong enough to carry the weight of the pain that kept piling up on it.
I wanted to ignore these feelings, brush them aside. But I did something that I’ve never done before… My right hand gravitated to my chest and began to rub on it soothingly and as if instinctively, I whispered three times to myself, “It’s okay Katli.” And indeed it was okay, not because I was hurting but because I was hurting and I was there for me. All the tears just came gushing out, as I allowed myself to feel the pain because I showed up for myself when I needed it most.